7 Signs You're a People-Pleaser (and How to Stop in Cincinnati)

Written by Cindy Jesse, LISW - Licensed Independent Trauma Therapist & Life Coach in Cincinnati

Hey beautiful soul,

Can I share something vulnerable with you? There was a time in my life when I said "yes" to absolutely everything–after parties, birthday parties, extra projects at work or helping friends move when I was already exhausted. Every single time I said ‘yes’ when I meant ‘no,’  a little part of me died inside.

I remember sitting in my car after yet another commitment I'd agreed to, feeling those familiar knots in my stomach - anger, resentment, and the crushing question: "Why can't I just say no?"

If you're reading this from your home in Mason, Blue Ash, Hyde Park, Oakley or anywhere in the Cincinnati area or Northern Kentucky, and that knot feels familiar... you're not alone. People-pleasing isn't a character flaw. It's a survival mechanism that once kept you safe, but now it's stealing your life.

What People-Pleasing Really Is and Why It's Not Your Fault

Here's what I wish someone had told me twenty years ago: People-pleasing is a trauma response.

When you're constantly saying yes to everyone else, it's not because you're just "too nice" or "naturally giving." It's because somewhere along the way, your brilliant mind learned that keeping others happy meant keeping you safe. Maybe disappointing someone meant emotional withdrawal, anger, or worse so you adapted. You survived.

But what once protected you is now suffocating you.

As an independently licensed therapist here in Cincinnati who's worked with hundreds of women trapped in people-pleasing patterns, I've seen the same signs over and over. Let me walk you through them - not to make you feel worse about yourself, but to help you recognize that your struggles make perfect sense.

Sign #1: You Apologize for Existing

The Pattern: "Sorry for calling." "Sorry for taking up your time." "Sorry for having an opinion." "Sorry for needing something."

Does this sound like your inner soundtrack? I used to apologize for everything - even things that weren't my fault, weren't problems, or were actually good things.

Why This Happens: When you've been made to feel like your needs, thoughts, or presence are "too much," you learn to shrink yourself. You apologize for taking up space because you've been taught that your existence is somehow an inconvenience.

What It Really Means: You're carrying shame that doesn't belong to you. That voice telling you to apologize constantly? It's not yours - it was programmed into you.

The Cincinnati Connection: I see this constantly in my practice here in the Greater Cincinnati area. Women who've been conditioned to believe they're "high maintenance" for having basic human needs. Spoiler alert: you're not high maintenance. You're human.

Sign #2: You Can't Make Simple Decisions Without a Committee

The Pattern: "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't care, whatever you want." "What movie should we watch?" "You pick, I'm fine with anything."

But here's the thing - you're NOT fine with anything. You have preferences, opinions, and desires. You've just learned to silence them.

Why This Happens: When your choices were constantly criticized, overruled, or dismissed, you learned it was safer to not have preferences at all. It's a protective mechanism that says, "If I don't choose, I can't choose wrong."

The Real Story: I remember being at a restaurant with friends, staring at the menu in actual panic because I was terrified of ordering something that might somehow disappoint others. That's not normal decision-making - that's hypervigilance disguised as flexibility.

How This Shows Up in Cincinnati: Whether it's choosing restaurants in Clifton, activities at Fountain Square, or even which park to visit in Mason - if you find yourself paralyzed by simple choices, you're not indecisive. You're self-protective.

Sign #3: You're Exhausted But Can't Say Why

The Pattern: You sleep 8 hours but wake up tired. You have no energy for the things you used to love. You feel drained even when you haven't done anything physically demanding.

The Hidden Truth: People-pleasing is emotionally and physically exhausting because you're constantly monitoring everyone else's emotional state, trying to manage their feelings, and suppressing your own needs.

What I Learned: Before I understood this pattern, I thought something was medically wrong with me. I welcomed sick days just so I could rest without guilt. The exhaustion wasn't physical - it was the weight of carrying everyone else's emotional world while neglecting my own.

For My Cincinnati Sisters: If you're dragging yourself through days at your job downtown, feeling depleted at home in Blue Ash, or struggling to keep up with life in Northern Kentucky - this exhaustion isn't laziness. It's what happens when you give your life force away in tiny pieces every day.

Sign #4: You Feel Responsible for Everyone's Emotions

The Pattern: When someone's upset, you immediately think about what you did wrong. When there's conflict, you rush to fix it. When someone's having a bad day, you take it personally.

The Deeper Issue: You've become an emotional sponge, absorbing everyone's feelings as if they're your responsibility to manage.

My Personal Story: I used to lose sleep when my friends were going through difficulties, not because I was concerned (which would be normal), but because I felt personally responsible for fixing their problems. I thought their pain was somehow my failure.

The Truth: You are not responsible for other people's emotions. You can care about them without carrying them.

In Our Cincinnati Community: Whether it's family drama in Hyde Park, friend issues in Mason, or workplace tension downtown - you cannot manage other people's emotional experiences. And trying to do so is slowly killing your spirit.

Sign #5: You Say "Yes" and Then Immediately Feel Sick

The Pattern: The words "yes, I can help" come out of your mouth, and instantly your stomach drops. You feel trapped, angry, or panicked, but you can't take it back.

What's Really Happening: Your body is trying to protect you by sending distress signals, but your conditioned mind overrides those signals because saying no feels dangerous.

The Physical Reality: I used to get actual chest tightness when I'd agree to things I didn't want to do. My body was screaming "NO!" but my mouth kept saying "Sure, no problem!"

Why This Matters: Your body keeps the score. That sick feeling isn't dramatics - it's your nervous system trying to save you from exhausting yourself.

Local Example: Maybe you agree to help with a fundraiser at your kid's school in Blue Ash when you're already overwhelmed, or you volunteer for extra duties at work downtown when you're barely managing your current load. That immediate regret? Listen to it.

Sign #6: You Don't Know What You Actually Want

The Pattern: When someone asks what you want for dinner, for your birthday, or for your life - you genuinely don't know. It's not that you're being polite; you've lost touch with your own desires.

The Deeper Truth: When you spend years prioritizing everyone else's wants and needs, your own voice gets quieter and quieter until you can barely hear it.

My Journey: I remember my therapist asking me what I wanted, and I literally couldn't answer. I could tell her what my husband wanted, what my kids needed, what my friends expected - but my own desires? They felt foreign and selfish.

The Recovery: Learning to reconnect with your wants and needs isn't selfish - it's essential. You can't give from an empty cup, and you can't live an authentic life if you don't know who you authentically are.

For Cincinnati Women: Whether you're shopping at Kenwood Towne Center or walking through Eden Park, start noticing what actually appeals to YOU. What catches your eye? What makes you feel excited? These are clues to your authentic self.

Sign #7: You Feel Angry and Resentful But Can't Express It

The Pattern: You're furious inside but smiling on the outside. You feel taken advantage of, but can't speak up. You have imaginary arguments in your head, but say nothing in real life.

The Toxic Cycle: You say yes → feel resentful → blame others for "making" you do things → feel guilty for being angry → say yes again to prove you're not really angry.

What I Discovered: The anger isn't the problem - it's actually healthy information telling you that your boundaries are being violated. The problem is that you've been taught your anger is dangerous, selfish, or wrong.

The Real Story: I used to simmer with resentment while helping people, then feel terrible guilt for feeling resentful. It was an exhausting cycle that kept me trapped in people-pleasing hell.

Breaking Free in Cincinnati: Whether you're dealing with family in Mason, friends in Hyde Park, or colleagues downtown - your anger is valid information. It's telling you something important about your needs and boundaries.

How to Stop People-Pleasing: The Path Forward

Beautiful, if you see yourself in these signs, please know: You're not broken. You're not selfish for wanting to change. And you absolutely can learn to honor yourself while still being kind to others.

Start With These Three Steps:

1. Pause Before Responding When someone asks you to do something, buy yourself time: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you." This gives you space to check in with your body and your real capacity.
2. Practice Small No's Start with low-stakes situations. Decline the coffee invitation when you're tired. Say no to the store clerk who asks if you want to sign up for emails. Build your "no" muscle gradually.
3. Honor Your Body's Wisdom That sick feeling when you overcommit? That's your inner wisdom. That exhaustion that won't go away? It's information. Start listening to what your body is telling you.
   

   ---

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

Here in Cincinnati, I see so many incredible women trapped in people-pleasing patterns, thinking they're the only ones struggling with this. You're not alone, and you don't have to figure this out by yourself.

People-pleasing is often rooted in trauma, childhood conditioning, or past relationships that taught you your worth was tied to your usefulness. Healing these patterns isn't just about learning to say no - it's about reconnecting with your authentic self and learning that you're valuable simply because you exist.

When to Seek Support

If people-pleasing is stealing your energy, your joy, or your sense of self, professional support can be life-changing. As a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma and people-pleasing patterns, I've walked this journey myself and guided hundreds of women toward authentic, empowered living.

Whether you're in Cincinnati, Mason, Blue Ash, Hyde Park, or anywhere in Northern Kentucky, you deserve to live a life that feels genuinely yours - not one where you're constantly performing for everyone else's approval.

Your Next Step

If you're ready to break free from people-pleasing patterns and rediscover who you really are underneath all that conditioning, I'd love to support you.

Ready to start your journey? Call or text me at 513-706-5950, or email me at [[email protected]]. Let's have a conversation about what authentic living could look like for you.

You can also check out my "From People-Pleasing to Life Balance" course - a step-by-step program designed specifically for women ready to break free from the exhausting cycle of saying yes when they mean no.

Remember, beautiful soul: You're not too much. You're not selfish for having needs. And you absolutely deserve a life where you can be authentically yourself without fear.

The world needs your real voice, not your performed version.

Because you matter! ~ Cindy,

Cindy Jesse, LISW
Licensed Independent Trauma Therapist & Life Coach
Serving Cincinnati, Mason, Blue Ash, Hyde Park & Northern Kentucky

P.S. - If you resonated with this post, you might also enjoy my book "You're Not Broken: Shifting from Fear and Anxiety to Strength & Empowerment." It's available on Amazon and contains deeper insights into healing from trauma and people-pleasing patterns.

Tags: #PeoplePleasingRecovery #CincinnatiTherapist #TraumaHealing #WomensEmpowerment #MasonOhio #BlueAshCounseling #NorthernKentuckySupport #BoundariesMatter #AuthenticLiving #SelfCareJourney